Finding support in a support group and what not to say to cancer survivors

Yesterday I started my Cancer Transitions group. I must say it was far more emotional than I had expected it to be, but hearing so many other women say the same things I have been thinking and feeling for the past year really got to me. 

In 20 minutes I’m heading out to Huntley for my evaluation for the hyperbaric chamber (more on that later) but I want to hurry up and get this entry done first. 

One of the rules of the group is “no cheerleading” and no offering unsolicited advice and wow that was a real welcome statement. We were given a ton of reading material and I want to share parts of an article written by a man who is a prostate cancer survivor. His name is Craig T. Pynn and the article is titled Jumpers, Minimizers: Dealing with Responses I Wish I Hadn’t Heard.

Basically, this is what you don’t say to a cancer patient (or anyone with a serious condition) and why.

According to Pynn:

                                Jumpers A Jumper’s favorite expression is “Don’t worry. Everything will

                                turn out fine.” Variations include, “Every cloud has a silver lining” and “God

                                gives you only what you can handle.  I know you’ll be able to handle this.”

                                While responses like these were meant to be encouraging, in the end they

                                felt like clichés that moved immediately to a happy ending – and jumped

                                right over my need to process, and eventually to accept, the fact that aggressive

                                cancer had become a reality in my life.

                                 By focusing only on the happy ending, the jumpers inadvertently excluded the

                                intermediate struggles that lay between now and then. Eventually, I decided

                                that the jumpers, by automatically presuming an optimistic outcome, did

                                so because they were simply emotionally unable to entertain bad endings.

                                Minimizers Rather than encourage me, the minimizers only tended to deepen

                                my gloom when they made comments like, “Oh my husband had prostate

                                cancer, they took it out and he’s fine now.” Or “Prostate cancer has a high

                                cure rate, you know.” Yes, I already knew. Despite their undeniable good

                                intentions, the minimizers focus on what had happened to other people

                                conspired to diminish my own experience, possibly even implying that I

                                was just a whiner at heart.

                                Fixers Fixer statements I heard included “You should have the proton beam

                                treatment”, “Make sure you have robotic surgery” and “I know a great urologist”.

                                All of these solutions were offered before I even knew what my treatment

                                options would be.

I found this article to be very right on track with my own feelings. We all want to make people feel better when they are going through something like this, but often don’t know how. The best you can do for someone is ask HOW you can help, because honestly, often the words you say, do more harm than good.