A few months ago, my boss, Teresa asked if I still had my
blog going. Though it’s still here, it hasn’t
been added to in quite some time. Teresa pointed out that I should probably do
something about that.
She’s right.
I’ll start with the cancer front since that is what started
all of this to begin with. I have now
been in remission for just over two and a half years. So far so good. The pain
is still there and with the scar tissue, I imagine it always will be. When I had my last bone density scan done, it
came back normal, which means my bones are in better shape now than they were
before the cancer. No more osteopenia,
and that is a good thing!
I’m still hanging in there.
In the past 6 months or so, I have heard of several
acquaintances and celebrities who have also been diagnosed too. I feel for
them, and I know that the journey they are now undertaking is theirs and theirs
alone to deal with. Everyone deals with it differently, but yet, until you do
walk that path, you don’t have a full understanding of that.
The other night, my friend and I were hanging out in her hot
tub and talking. The conversation eventually turned to how people handle the
grief of others. She is a crisis
survivor as well, and has had her share of grief to deal with.
We began talking about how people often don’t know what to
say, and how some people, no matter how bad the crisis, will always turn it
around to be about themselves. We agreed,
people really need to be educated in how to talk to some one who is grieving and
in crisis.
Some of the worst things to say?
How about….
“You
are so strong, I don’t know how you do it.”
The SECOND you tell someone who KNOWS they are NOT strong, that
they are strong, you make them feel even weaker. People who are grieving or in
crisis don’t feel strong. They feel incredibly weak and they put up a wall.
They pretend. If they didn’t, they would sit around and cry. A lot. Life goes
on. People in crisis know that, and they know that means they have to go on to.
No matter how hard it is, they have to go on. We weren’t given a choice. Some people handle it better than others
because they are more adaptable than others. That’s it. It has nothing to do
with strength. Nobody is strong 100% of
the time.
“I
could never handle (blah blah) as well as you do.”
First, quit selling yourself short. Yes, you could handle it
just as well, maybe even better. But again, this type of comment hits at the
core of someone who doesn’t think they are doing too well handling things. Try
to remember that when you see someone dealing with a crisis – that unless you
are a doctor, counselor, police officer, medical personnel, close friend, or
family member – you most likely are NOT seeing the person at their absolute
worst. Their most torn. The mask they
put on for you is likely the best they can give you. You are seeing someone
possible still in shock. You may be
seeing someone who has started the healing process. But the person in long term crisis KNOWS how
well they have or have not handled something. Don’t remind them of their lowest
lows.
Rule of thumb: Don’t be more grieved, struck, upset,
whatever, than the person who is actually in the crisis. Not to their face. If
you feel the need to get far more emotional than the person whose life is affected,
do it elsewhere. People in crisis have a hard enough time holding it together, don’t
take that away from them. Besides, if my life affects you that much, you probably
need to reevaluate.
Don’t blow people off.
You would think that would be a given, but apparently it isn’t.
There are people out there, who don’t know what to say to someone in a bad
situation. And you know what? That’s ok! There’s nothing wrong with not knowing
what to say. All you have to do is ask. Ask the person what they want, what
they need. But don’t just hide from them and disappear from their life because
you don’t know what the right thing to say is. Their crisis isn’t about you.
Don’t try to make it about you.
Think of it this way. You have a friend who is ALREADY in a
crisis and they would like to know that they have your support. But since you
don’t know what to say, you hide from them instead. Guess what? Now not only do
they have the original crisis to deal with, they no longer have the person they
wanted to lean on for support, and even worse – they have no clue why. You have
done NOTHING to help that person. You have acted childish, selfish and hurtful
causing the person far more pain than they were originally dealing with. It’s crazy that things like this even happen,
but I’ve witnessed it on more than one occasion.
I’m sure not everybody is going to agree with me that these are
things they don’t want to hear. Some people may find these sayings encouraging,
obviously I do not. I find them as trite, unoriginal and shallow.
What I hope you take from this is not everyone sees things
the same way. People cope differently. If the person in crisis is someone you
truly care about, then just ask what it is they need – and then give it to
them. Sympathy and empathy are not the same thing. We are quick to express sympathy,
but often fear the intimacy of empathy.
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