The Season of Giving

While many look on December as the season of giving, I like to start my giving season a little bit earlier on. Some people may tell you I give all year long, and generally that is true. But I still feel a “season” of it myself.

My season of giving begins in October. Not only is fall in full swing, there’s Halloween/Samhain – need I say more?  

Apparently, yes, I do.

I remember Halloween as a child when my dad either drove us around to the houses far away or if it was raining out, but I don’t have a ton of memories of actual trick-or-treating.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I enjoy it so much now.

As an adult, for years, we have had virtually no trick-or-treaters. We live in the boonies, it’s a long way for kids to walk, and there are very few kids in our neighborhood to begin with. 

So, this year, when my friend Laura invited us to hang at her house in a busy little neighborhood, I jumped at the chance. 

We had a blast.  

My daughter Krystle, her mom-out-law Tammy, and the girls (Kahlen & River) joined us along with Tyler and Mike. We dressed as the cast from Hocus Pocus. We handed out candy and bunches of other non-edible stuff for allergy kids, and well – because we COULD.  

We also cooked 80 hot dogs and handed them out as well, and that was totally awesome.  People lined up, got a hot dog, and sat around to eat it and ACTUALLY TALKED TO ONE ANOTHER!  It was wonderful. It was inexpensive. It was GIVING.  Next year we will get a lot more hotdogs to cook! Parents who hadn’t had time to eat yet were grateful to get something in their stomachs, and something other than pure sugar in their kids’ stomachs too. 

We loved it, our trick-or- treaters loved it, and it was GIVING.

We didn’t tell people, “Ok, well if you are a teenager, you shouldn’t be out trick-or-treating”. This was INCLUSIVE, not EXCLUSIVE at all. We were able to make kids and adults alike happy, and that is what the spirit of giving is all about – doing for others without silly limitations. 

I always know when November comes around just by looking at my Facebook feed because I have several friends who faithfully use the month of November to give thanks for what they have and post something they are thankful for each day. Giving thanks is indeed a form of giving. We often don’t thank people enough, or sincerely. That’s a point I myself need to work on. I’m better about giving than receiving as it is, but need to work more on showing my appreciation when someone gives to me. I know why I have an issue with it, and it’s a hard habit to break. Growing up, I was taught there are things that you should say thank you for, and certain things you didn’t have to because those things you should simply expect. I wasn’t thanked by my parents for doing things they expected me to do.  Those lines aren’t near as clear cut as they used to be anymore.

In November, I also finish up and scarves or hats I made for the homeless shelter and get those delivered. Giving the gift of warmth is important to me as I can’t imagine not being able to have such a basic need met. The scarves I make are long, wide and thick so they can be wrapped around the head and neck as well for extra warmth.  I also do laundry once a month for the local PADS site. These are ways of giving back to the community around me. 

This year, I was able to find a different way for my work to give back to the community as well. In years past, we have donated books to Bernie’s Book Bank – an organization that collects books and then funnels them into the hands of low income children. While it is a worthy cause, we have also heard from customers thousands of times over “What is Bernie’s Book Bank?” or “Where will my donation go?”  Because Bernie’s is located a county and hour away, it’s not well known in our area. And as far as where will the donation go? It could go anywhere in the Chicagoland area. 

So, I did something different. I contacted 3 local charities: Turning Point, Pioneer Center, and Home of the Sparrow and asked them if they could use book donations. I’m pleased and proud they all responded yes. 

With the help of our customers, we have already collected over 1000 books for these three charities. To Turning Point we gave requested books on domestic battery along with adult coloring books to help relieve stress. For Pioneer Center, we have been able to help them create a teen library. Home of the Sparrow received enough books to not only give at least one to each client (moms and children both!), they are stocking their own libraries, waiting rooms, and will be able to share even more books with their clients after the holidays. 

We have been able to meet with people who work at the agencies and are building what I hope will become lasting relationships.  I look forward to working with these agencies again in the future.

Christmas is almost here though, and then it feels the season of giving ends.

Walk into any store the week or two after Christmas and notice the lines for returns. The tone goes from happy and joyous to…well…the words cold and snarly come to mind.

The giving season doesn’t last.

But it can.

My goal for myself, and my challenge to anyone else willing to accept it, is to extend the season of giving. Maybe you can’t find it in you to give all the time, and that’s ok too – you don’t need to wear yourself out giving to others. But what about once a month? Can you find something to do once a month to give to some one else? Maybe mix it up with volunteering somewhere in January and then trying something different in February. Keep it moving, every month. It doesn’t have to be big or extravagant. Pay for the person’s coffee who is behind you in line. Even a simple gesture such as that can make someone’s day. 

Give a helping hand to the elderly person or the mom with three kids at the grocery store.

Give someone a lottery ticket.

Give your neighbors home made cookies.

Give a local nursing home puzzles, books or magazines.

Give your waitress a bonus tip. 

Give your friends a bottle of wine and a night of talking.

Give a hug to someone who needs it.

Whatever you decide to do, just give.

A quick hello - and do you know what to say to someone in crisis?

A few months ago, my boss, Teresa asked if I still had my blog going.  Though it’s still here, it hasn’t been added to in quite some time. Teresa pointed out that I should probably do something about that. 

She’s right.

I’ll start with the cancer front since that is what started all of this to begin with.  I have now been in remission for just over two and a half years. So far so good. The pain is still there and with the scar tissue, I imagine it always will be.  When I had my last bone density scan done, it came back normal, which means my bones are in better shape now than they were before the cancer.  No more osteopenia, and that is a good thing! 

I’m still hanging in there.

In the past 6 months or so, I have heard of several acquaintances and celebrities who have also been diagnosed too. I feel for them, and I know that the journey they are now undertaking is theirs and theirs alone to deal with. Everyone deals with it differently, but yet, until you do walk that path, you don’t have a full understanding of that.

The other night, my friend and I were hanging out in her hot tub and talking. The conversation eventually turned to how people handle the grief of others.  She is a crisis survivor as well, and has had her share of grief to deal with.  

We began talking about how people often don’t know what to say, and how some people, no matter how bad the crisis, will always turn it around to be about themselves.  We agreed, people really need to be educated in how to talk to some one who is grieving and in crisis. 

Some of the worst things to say?

How about….

                “You are so strong, I don’t know how you do it.”

The SECOND you tell someone who KNOWS they are NOT strong, that they are strong, you make them feel even weaker. People who are grieving or in crisis don’t feel strong. They feel incredibly weak and they put up a wall. They pretend. If they didn’t, they would sit around and cry. A lot. Life goes on. People in crisis know that, and they know that means they have to go on to. No matter how hard it is, they have to go on. We weren’t given a choice.  Some people handle it better than others because they are more adaptable than others. That’s it. It has nothing to do with strength.  Nobody is strong 100% of the time.

                “I could never handle (blah blah) as well as you do.”

First, quit selling yourself short. Yes, you could handle it just as well, maybe even better. But again, this type of comment hits at the core of someone who doesn’t think they are doing too well handling things. Try to remember that when you see someone dealing with a crisis – that unless you are a doctor, counselor, police officer, medical personnel, close friend, or family member – you most likely are NOT seeing the person at their absolute worst. Their most torn.  The mask they put on for you is likely the best they can give you. You are seeing someone possible still in shock.  You may be seeing someone who has started the healing process.  But the person in long term crisis KNOWS how well they have or have not handled something. Don’t remind them of their lowest lows.

Rule of thumb: Don’t be more grieved, struck, upset, whatever, than the person who is actually in the crisis. Not to their face. If you feel the need to get far more emotional than the person whose life is affected, do it elsewhere. People in crisis have a hard enough time holding it together, don’t take that away from them. Besides, if my life affects you that much, you probably need to reevaluate. 

Don’t blow people off.

You would think that would be a given, but apparently it isn’t. There are people out there, who don’t know what to say to someone in a bad situation. And you know what? That’s ok! There’s nothing wrong with not knowing what to say. All you have to do is ask. Ask the person what they want, what they need. But don’t just hide from them and disappear from their life because you don’t know what the right thing to say is. Their crisis isn’t about you. Don’t try to make it about you. 

Think of it this way. You have a friend who is ALREADY in a crisis and they would like to know that they have your support. But since you don’t know what to say, you hide from them instead. Guess what? Now not only do they have the original crisis to deal with, they no longer have the person they wanted to lean on for support, and even worse – they have no clue why. You have done NOTHING to help that person. You have acted childish, selfish and hurtful causing the person far more pain than they were originally dealing with.  It’s crazy that things like this even happen, but I’ve witnessed it on more than one occasion. 

I’m sure not everybody is going to agree with me that these are things they don’t want to hear. Some people may find these sayings encouraging, obviously I do not. I find them as trite, unoriginal and shallow. 

What I hope you take from this is not everyone sees things the same way. People cope differently. If the person in crisis is someone you truly care about, then just ask what it is they need – and then give it to them. Sympathy and empathy are not the same thing. We are quick to express sympathy, but often fear the intimacy of empathy.